Wagon? What wagon?

That's a wagon.  And I feel like I have fallen off of it.  I think I could say, "I've fallen and I can't get up!"

I know I could get right back on the wagon.  I can choose to refocus my mind and get back on track to being healthy.  But I don't want to right now.  I just don't.  It feels too easy to slip back into bad habits. 

And I'm telling myself that I haven't done "that bad", that I haven't been "off" for too long.  And in reality, it really hasn't been "THAT" bad.  Just dinner last night.  And lunch today.  And dinner tonight.  And I have the strong DESIRE to do some more POOR eating NOW.  DUMB.  NO.  But...

I have reasons, excuses, etc.  I was eating out and "couldn't" make a better/healthier choice.  I was busy and didn't have time to go for a walk.  Yep, I have my excuses.

Why are old habits so hard to break?  Even when I've been doing "well" for a long while, why do the poor eating habits and laziness come back?  Why?  Why?  Why?  UGH! 

It's a cycle.  I decide to do well.  I make changes.  There are bumps in the road.  I don't make the conscious decision to do well.  And then I make BAD CHOICES.  I feel BAD and GUILTY about making those bad choices and feel physically sick from eating the c.r.a.p. and am without energy to DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.  So I keep making poor choices and spiral down even more.  Terrible.

I guess I'm not alone though.     Life happens.  People make mistakes.  I've made mistakes.  I guess getting "over it" is admitting you've made mistakes, forgiving yourself for it, and moving on.  Catching back up to the wagon and getting BACK ON IT.  Buckling yourself all snug and hanging on for the ride.  I guess?  Let's try...

I'm doing it!

I am doing it!  I'm tracking everything that goes into my mouth (today, at least), drinking water (going to down some more in a few minutes here), and I'm moving (again, at least today I am).  I know that I cannot do it all every day.  And I'm fairly certain that even the healthiest of people do not do everything they are "supposed to do" and stay away from every food they are "not supposed to" eat each and every day of their lives.  I'm hoping at least.  Because I do not see myself being "perfect" in eating and moving every day.  Ever.  Because I'm human.

Things that are helping me - taking time to track my food throughout the day, challenging myself one day/one hour/one minute at a time, and trying to "win" by filling in my "healthy checks" boxes every day.  (Part of my WW tracking includes checking off how many glasses of water, servings of milk, fruits and vegetables, taking a vitamin, and activity each day.)  I am not thinking of the "finish line" - my goal weight - because that seems too vague to me, almost unthinkable.  I am only thinking of today.  Well, I'm also thinking of my "weigh-in" day because the bigger numbers make me mad and sad.  Seeing the numbers go down is motivating.  Seeing the numbers go up is not.  Keeping myself on track (on program) is hard.  But also doable.  Completely doable.

I am here to say that I am doing it!  And I'm going to continue to do it.  I tracked everything that I ate today.  I went on a walk even though I didn't want to go, I had a headache and it was drizzling out.  But I felt good doing it and even ran a (very) little bit.  I am doing it!

Inspiration

Inspiration.  It comes in many different forms and from many different places.  Some people are inspiring.  Some situations are inspiring.  Big or small.  Happy or sad.  Inspiration.

I have had different inspiration come in my life.  Some of the biggest inspirations have come from the smallest people.  One of my first jobs was working at a day care center during the summer.  There was a two year old girl, named Kayla, who went there.  Only occasionally, because she was sick.  Really sick.  She had cancer.  I can't remember what kind of cancer, only that she was one of the most beautiful, sweetest little girls I had ever seen.  As the summer went on, she spent less and less time at day care.  By the end of the summer she was gone.  Cancer had shortened her life, taken her from her parents.  I remember Kayla as a smiling, round and fuzzy headed little girl.  I was inspired back then and learned that every person I would ever meet would teach me something.  That every life, no matter how long or how short it is, means something.  That I could learn something from everyone I will ever meet.

Another very small person I was inspired by was Auston.  He was a student of mine when he was 4 years old.  When Auston was born, he weighed 15 ounces.  Less than a pound.  He shouldn't have survived.  He shouldn't have lived to see his first, second, third, or even his fourth birthday.  But he did.  And he was learning.  I was inspired by his desire to learn, to play on the playground, to spend time with his friends.  But then something terrible happened.  There was an accident at his home and he died.  He died.  I was devestated.  I will never forget Auston.  Never.  I learned so much from him in the short time I knew him.  I was inspired to look beyond size, to look beyond where a person comes from or how they came into the world.

The inspirations to become a teacher came from knowing Kayla and Auston and many other children.  It came from those who were teachers in my life.  The inspiration came from my mom who taught many many children throughout her life. 

There's plenty of other inspirations I've had come into and through my life.  Inspirations to do BIG things and to do little things.  I'm inspired to write on this blog by other friends who also keep blogs.  I'm inspired to be a conscious eater and an active person by other friends who have shared their journeys to be healthy with me.  Sometimes, it's a rainbow in the sky - an inspiration to keep on going and never give up.  What inspires you?

Inspiration.

Back on track...

I've decided to get back on track with myself. Yep, myself. I'm going to get selfish and put myself first. YIKES!

Being a mom, it is SO EASY to put the kids first. Of course, I love them. Of course, I want the best for them. But I also want them to have a healthy mother for a long long time. A mom who has energy to DO things with them. Ya know?

So I am making the commitment to myself to get back on the Weight Watchers wagon. I've been an online member for over a year now and am down almost 30 pounds since I started in January of 2011. BUT, the biggest disappointment that I realized is that I am 2.2 pounds OVER what I weighed exactly one year ago. 2.2 lbs. MORE. NOT A FAN OF THAT. AT. ALL.

I'm recommitting myself to taking care of myself. To making sure I am tracking EVERYTHING that I eat. And to exercising. I'm not going to run a marathon next month or probably EVER, but I can go for a daily walk. I've done it before, I can do it again. And I am. Last night I walked 1.9 miles and tonight I walked 2.1 miles. I even jogged a very little part of each one. Who does that? Crazy!! Ha ha ha...

And, I'm going to keep up with this blog and use it as a place for me to keep myself accountable. Even if nobody ever reads it, I'll know this is "out there" and available for the world to see. No more excuses. No more putting everybody and everything else in front of my desire to be healthy. It's all about ME.